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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28839840">Tell me your story</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/chasing_the_wild_dream/pseuds/Mother%20of%20Heathens'>Mother of Heathens (chasing_the_wild_dream)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Once Upon a Time (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Loss, Murder, Psychological Trauma, Slow Burn, Storybrooke has a lighthouse deal with it, Trauma, alternative universe, pregnancy struggles, swanqueen - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 14:00:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>15,416</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28839840</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/chasing_the_wild_dream/pseuds/Mother%20of%20Heathens</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>I'd rather not write a summary for this story; it's too complex anyway.<br/>It's dark and twisted and will deal with loss and grief (neither Emma nor Regina will die!!!) and some other horrible traumas from the past along the way.</p><p>It's a SQ story all the way though.<br/>Also, it's an AU story!<br/>Keep checking the tags because I will add to them as the story progresses.</p><p>Check out the A/N at the beginning, please. Thank you!</p><p>
  <b>Disclaimer: OUAT and all its characters belong to Adam Horowitz, Eddy Kitsis and ABC.</b>
</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>130</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>75</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Prolog</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/SQFeatherNova2/gifts">SQFeatherNova2</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>
  <i>My friends,<br/>I'm reading a lot and lately, an idea popped up in my mind.<br/>I've tried to ignore it with everything I have because I have so many on-going projects for different fandoms but it wouldn't leave me alone.<br/>Still doesn't.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>So, I finally caved.<br/>It's a bit of an experimental thing for me and the topics will be quite heavy.<br/>We'll see the ladies deal with huge amounts of guilt and trauma but it will be a SQ story all the way.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>But!</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Emma recently suffered a great loss and therefore it will be a slow burn.<br/>We are talking snail's pace slow burn because Regina is off even worse.</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Bear with me and our ladies, I'm convinced that it will unfold beautifully once the time is right.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>To everyone buckling up for the ride - THANK YOU in advance.</i>
</p><p>
  <b>Last, but not least: </b>
</p><p>
  <b>Jess, this one is for you.<br/>Thanks for your friendship, your loyalty, and for being such an inspiration.<br/>I love all our conversations about literally anything and everything.</b>
</p><p><b>You truly are a godsend and I'm incredibly humbled and grateful that our paths have crossed.<br/></b><br/>❤❤<b>xx</b></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The sky was countless shades of grey and the silence was deafening.<br/>
Emma Swan stood in front of the headstone, staring at the name with a shattered heart while tears kept streaming down her face.</p><p>It had been two and a half months to the day since she had become a widow.<br/>
Two and a half months since her family had been ripped apart.</p><p>She still couldn’t stop crying although she was sure that she had no tears left at this point.<br/>
Her heart was so unbelievably heavy and Emma wasn’t sure if she would ever smile again.<br/>
Hell, she wasn’t even sure how she would survive on her own.</p><p>Then again, she wasn’t alone, not really, but no kid should have to carry the burden of stepping in for a deceased parent.<br/>
Emma wiped the tears from her eyes hectically and pulled her cell phone out of the back pocket of her jeans, checking it for new messages but there were none.<br/>
She sighed in relief because she really didn’t feel like talking to anymore, no matter how well people meant.</p><p>Her colleagues still got to go home to their husbands, wives, and kids every night.<br/>
Yes, they had all known what they had signed up for when they had joined the academy back in the day but she couldn’t wrap her mind around what had happened.<br/>
One moment everything had been fine, they had been happy, only for everything to fall to ruins a day later.</p><p>Why her?<br/>
Not that she would wish this on anyone.</p><p>Emma typed out a quick message of her own before she would get caught up in another downward spiral of her mind.</p><p><b>Ready as I’ll ever be. See you in a few hours.</b> </p><p>She sent a second one a few moments later.</p><p><b>Thank you for everything.</b><br/>
<br/>
Emma put the phone away without waiting for a reply because she could feel some heavy raindrops on her skin.<br/>
The sky had turned dark and she was sure that it would start pouring within minutes.<br/>
She had to go but it was so hard to tear herself away from this dreadful place because it had been her only bit of comfort during the last two months.<br/>
A part of her heart had been buried here, together with her hopes and dreams.<br/>
All of it was resting in the grave right in front of her and yet she had to leave.<br/>
There was no turning back time, no undoing the unthinkable.<br/>
What had been taken from her was gone forever.</p><p>Emma took a step closer and touched the carved letters on the headstone for a moment before she pulled her hand back as if she had been burned.<br/>
She allowed herself one last glance before she forced herself to turn around and dragged her sleep-deprived body to the exit.<br/>
Emma knew that she would always remember, even without being here.<br/>
She would never forget, no matter where she would go.<br/>
She was already sitting in the car but she could picture the headstone clear as day.<br/>
It was the only thing she could see and it haunted her during the night.</p><p>
  <b>NEAL CASSIDY<br/>
March 23, 1987 – May 29, 2020</b>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Welcome to Storybrooke</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <i>Hello everyone,<br/>obviously, there is not a lot of SQ yet but considering the circumstances...well, it's understandable I think.</i>
</p><p> </p><p>  <i>I already said it once - this is going to be a slow burn and it will dip heavily into angst as the story progresses.<br/>It will also deal with grief and guilt (later on).<br/>Grief, albeit painful, can bring people closer together. Whether as friends or as something else doesn't matter right now.<br/>Healing takes time and that is something that will be crucial for this story.</i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>Please, bear that in mind.<br/>Anyway.</i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>Welcome back to Storybrooke, folks!</i><br/>Much love xo</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Emma drove past the lighthouse and made a mental note to take a closer look at it one of these days.<br/>
The view from up there had to be amazing.</p><p>Henry had slept through the whole drive and she was beyond grateful for that.<br/>
Usually her five-year-old son was too excited to find rest during a car ride but the loss of his father had changed him too and Emma hated it.</p><p>His usually goofy and cheeky personality was gone and a sad shadow of his former self had taken its place, not that Emma could blame him.<br/>
Her heart had broken into a million pieces when his partner had shown up on their doorstep, late at night, a grim expression on his face.</p><p>She had known before Graham had even said it.<br/>
Three lives had been taken in a drug deal gone wrong but so many more lives had been changed forever that night, and irreversibly so.</p><p>While she had been devastated by the loss of her husband, Emma had been even more heartbroken for her son and their unborn child.<br/>
She had suspected her pregnancy but hadn't been sure yet the day it happened.</p><p>Her doctor's appointment had been a week after Neal's death and he had confirmed what she had already known in her heart.<br/>
Neal would never know because a stray bullet had taken him from them.</p><p>Emma caught sight of the <i>Welcome to Storybrooke</i> - sign a moment later and sighed in relief.<br/>
She couldn't have driven much longer, too exhausted from sleepless night and trying to hold it together for Henry.</p><p>They'd spent their vacation here the year after Henry had been born, visiting their friend Killian, who had been at the academy with them.<br/>
Neal, Emma, and Killian had been the best of friends and had never lost touch, not even when Killian had moved to the sleepy little town of Storybrooke about seven years ago.</p><p>These days Killian Jones was the sheriff of Storybrooke and he had offered Emma a deputy position  as soon as she had mentioned that she couldn't stay in Boston because the memories would bury her whole.<br/>
He hadn't even taken the offer back when she had told him that she was four months pregnant.<br/>
Killian had told her to pack her bags and come to Storybrooke, where she could live in his house for the time being because he had considered renting out anyway ever since he had moved in with his girlfriend Milah a couple of months ago and Emma knew that she would be forever in his debt.<br/>
She didn't know what she would have done without him.</p><p>Emma reached the sheriff station and parked her bright blue SUV next to a police cruiser.<br/>
Neal had surprised her with the car about a year ago because her beloved yellow bug had finally reached its end and Henry had been so taken by the bright blue metallic color. Neal had admitted that it probably hadn't been his smartest idea to bring a four-year-old to buy a car.</p><p>“Henry, we are here”, Emma announced softly and watched her son blink his eyes open at the sound of her voice.<br/>
“Hey buddy”, she unbuckled her seatbelt and turned around, tickling his leg, “It's time to say hi to uncle Killian.”</p><p>Emma watched her son's eyes sparkle for a moment before the sadness took it away again and her heart shattered a little more, if that was even possible at this point.<br/>
She got out of her car, unbuckled her son, who yawned groggily before he climbed out, grabbed his mother's hand and together they entered the Sheriff's station with hanging shoulders.</p><p>Neal had said once that he would love to move to Storybrooke later on because it was quiet and it was a safer place than the city.<br/>
He had dreamed of raising their kids here eventually but he had wanted to do something for his career first and he had paid with his life.</p><p>For Emma being a police officer had always been enough but he had wanted to become a detective or a part of a special task force or something.<br/>
Always driven, always ambitious, always reaching for a higher goal.</p><p>If only their life would have been enough for Neal.<br/>
Then he would still be here.<br/>
--------------------------------</p><p>A blonde woman was standing next to Killian and the two of them were chatting animatedly when he caught sight of her.</p><p>“Emma!”</p><p>Killian excused himself, walked over to her and pulled her into a tight hug and it was the first time since she had gotten the life changing news of Neal's death that Emma felt some of the tension leave her body.<br/>
Of course they had friends in Boston too but there was no one they had trusted more than Killian.<br/>
Once upon a time they had been the three musketeers and Emma was so grateful that she wouldn't have to go through everything on her own completely.</p><p>Killian was here and so was Milah.<br/>
No one had taught that Killian Jones would ever settle down and then he had met Milah on a trip to London.<br/>
He had visited his brother and had returned completely smitten by the woman of his dreams.<br/>
Long distance had been hard on them but then Storybrooke's veterinarian had retired and she had been able to take over the clinic.<br/>
That had been over two years ago and Emma swore she had never seen Killian happier.</p><p>She hadn't been sure how serious he was about his relationship but then she had met Milah and she had known that the two of them were meant to be together.<br/>
Milah was perfect for Killian and he was the same for her.</p><p>The thought alone made her feel sad and longing for the man she had loved for the bigger part of her life even though it was pointless because Neal was gone.</p><p>Emma tried to shake the sadness while Killian knelt to meet Henry's eyes, “Hello little man. I've missed you. I hear you're going to be my new deputy around here?”</p><p>Henry giggled when Killian tickled his tummy, “Not me. Momma!”<br/>
“Aye. Your mom's gonna make a great deputy but I think I could use another one. What do you say?”, Killian pulled a deputy pin out of his jacket pocket, “I got this one specially for you.”</p><p>Henry's eyes grew wide and he beamed with pride, “Momma, look!”</p><p>Emma mouthed a 'thank you' to her  best friend, who nodded and gave her a warm smile.</p><p>The blonde woman had watched the scene with amusement and finally stepped closer now, holding out her hand to Emma, “Kathryn Midas.”</p><p>Emma shook the offered hand, “Emma Swan. And this little guy”, she nodded towards her son, “Is my son Henry.”</p><p>Henry eyed to woman curiously for a moment before he stuck out his hand, “Hi! You are pretty. And your hair is almost like momma's.”</p><p>Kathryn laughed out loud, “Aren't you charming. Hello Henry. It's a pleasure to meet you.”</p><p>“Forgive my manners”, Killian chimed in, “Emma...meet Kathryn. She's the mayor.”</p><p>Emma's eyes grew wide in surprise, much to Kathryn's amusement, who added, “Interim. I'm the interim mayor.”</p><p>“Since three years”,  Killian added and rolled his eyes, “You're the mayor. Period.”</p><p>Interim mayor? Since years?<br/>
Clearly there was a story there but despite her curiosity Emma decided not to ask.<br/>
At least not today.<br/>
She had only arrived a couple of minutes ago.<br/>
One of these days someone would tell her how that had come to be.</p><p>“I have to get back to my office”, Kathryn announced, “But it was lovely meeting you, Emma. And Henry. I'm sure we'll see each other around town. Welcome to Storybrooke.”</p><p>“Thank you”, Emma mumbled and watched Kathryn nod at Killian before she left the station.</p><p>“Dorothy and David are out on patrol”, Killian said, “You'll meet them tomorrow. Or well...maybe you'll see Dorothy later because she lives next door. Which reminds me...come on, let's get you to home and settled in.”</p><p>Home.<br/>
How absurd it sounded.<br/>
Boston had been her home for 32 years and while her and Neal had considered a laid back life in Storybrooke one day, it wasn't supposed to be like this.<br/>
Never like this.<br/>
---------------------------------</p><p>Killian had driven them around town to show them around on the way to his house and Emma had caught sight of what had once been the mayoral mansion.<br/>
When they had been here for a vacation it had been a beautiful estate with an impressive garden.<br/>
These days everything was overgrown and the place was overgrown.</p><p> </p><p>Yes, there had to be a story there.</p><p>Clearly, Kathryn didn't live here.<br/>
But she was only the interim mayor or so she said.<br/>
Since three years.<br/>
-----------------------------------</p><p>Killian had introduced Emma to Eugenia Lucas, who had told her to call her 'Granny' like everyone else, who lived next door.<br/>
She was a widow and retired and would watch Henry when Emma had to work and late or night shifts and he wouldn't be in pre-school anymore.</p><p>Much to Emma's relief Henry had taken to her right away and so had she if Emma was really honest.<br/>
There was a warmth about the elderly lady that was reassuring and it made Emma feel better to know that Henry would be taken care of.<br/>
Granny had told her that she shared the house with her granddaughter Ruby, who was running the diner ever since she had retired and Dorothy, Emma's fellow deputy that she had yet to meet.</p><p>It sounded lovely.</p><p>Killian had told her that Milah would expect them over for dinner at 6.30 pm before he had left and Emma had been entirely grateful because she wouldn't have time to go grocery shopping as she had boxed to unpack that had been shipped to Storybrooke beforehand.<br/>
And she had to spend some time with her son, who had been uprooted from the life he had known as well.<br/>
They had lost more than just a husband and father.<br/>
They had also kind of lost their home, their friends and everything else they had known.</p><p>Emma hoped and prayed that coming to Storybrooke had been the right decision, even though staying in Boston hadn't been an option.<br/>
The sadness would have swallowed her whole.</p><p>A change of scenery and pace was her only hope because Emma knew that she had to find a way to move on.<br/>
For Henry and her unborn child.<br/>
For herself.<br/>
It was what Neal would have wanted for them and what he would expect from her.<br/>
She only had to find the strength to actually do it.<br/>
-----------------------------------------</p><p>It was a lovely summer evening and so Emma decided that they could walk to Milah's house which was right next to the clinic.<br/>
It was the reason why Killian had moved in with her and not the other way round.</p><p>As they walked along the beach Emma kept looking up to the cliff, to the lighthouse, promising herself to go up there one of these days.<br/>
They had meant to check it out during their vacation four years ago but hadn't gotten around to it in the end.</p><p>She was so curious about the view though.<br/>
Maybe tomorrow.</p><p>Henry was stumbling around, looking for shells, his sadness forgotten for a moment and Emma was grateful for that.<br/>
He shouldn't have to deal with any of this, he was way too young.</p><p>She put her hand to her stomach, thinking of the baby that was growing in there and she felt the tears welling in her eyes once more.<br/>
Her children were all that was left of Neal and she would be sure that they would know him.<br/>
He had been a brave man, a heroic man really, and while he was gone he would never be forgotten.</p><p>Emma needed her willpower to blink the tears away but she didn't want Henry to see her cry again.<br/>
She chanced another look at the cliff and that was when she saw it.</p><p>Saw here.<br/>
There was a woman standing at the edge, looking at the distance.</p><p>Emma's heart started to beat faster instantly, afraid that the woman would jump, considering how close she was to the edge.<br/>
But she didn't.</p><p>She just stood there and stared at the ocean and the sky for a while before she turned around and left.</p><p>It left Emma wondering who that was and what she had been doing up there?<br/>
Did she live in the lighthouse?<br/>
Did anyone live there?</p><p>And what happened to the mayor?<br/>
To the mansion?</p><p>Maybe Killian would give her some answers over dinner because Emma could sense it.<br/>
There was a story there.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. To the lighthouse</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dinner had been nice.<br/>
Emma had worried that she would feel like an intruder but Milah had welcomed her with open arms and a warm smile.</p><p>She didn't take it for granted because Killian had gone out of the way to help her and Emma wouldn't have blamed Milah if she wouldn't have been all too happy about it, especially since Killian's countless trips to Boston over the last two and a half months had taken away so much of what little free time the couple had together due to their demanding jobs.<br/>
Milah had taken it all in stride though, always supportive, never once complaining and Emma could see why Killian had fallen for this woman when no other had ever been able to capture his heart.</p><p>And both Killian and Milah had been absolutely wonderful with Henry all evening.<br/>
When Henry had learned that Milah was a doctor for animals he had been over the moon and Milah had invited them to come to visit her at the clinic one of these days.<br/>
Needless to say, Henry's eyes had grown comically wide at the prospect.</p><p>Killian had filled her in on the workings of the town and over all the chatter and gossip Emma had completely forgotten to ask about the lighthouse.<br/>
She only remembered on the way home because she saw light in one of the windows when she took a glance up to the cliff.</p><p>So, maybe someone did live up there?<br/>
Probably the woman she'd seen earlier.<br/>
Or maybe someone else, who knew?<br/>
Maybe said woman lived there with her family in some alternative living project?<br/>
This “back to the roots” - lifestyle became more and more popular these days.</p><p>Killian had offered to drive them home but Emma had declined because it was only a ten-minute walk to the house that was now their home and Henry wasn't as tired as she had expected him to be, so hopefully the stroll home would wear him out at last.</p><p>He held his hand during the  whole walk like the good, little boy he was, all the while babbling about cats and dogs, much to Emma's amusement.<br/>
-----------------------</p><p>Emma caught sight of two women around her age, sitting on the steps in front of Granny's house, cuddled up together, and as soon as they saw her they got up to introduce themselves as Ruby Lucas and Dorothy Gale, Emma's fellow deputy.</p><p>They had stayed outside and waited for their return because they hadn't had a chance to say 'hi' earlier and also because they wanted to make sure that Emma and Henry got back alright.</p><p>Emma was touched by their warm welcome and kindness and she was so relieved that both of them seemed to be easy–going and sweet because she really couldn't need more drama in her life.<br/>
Henry took to their new neighbors instantly, especially taken fascinated by the red streaks in Ruby's hair.</p><p>Emma considered asking Ruby and Dorothy about the lighthouse for a minute but decided against it in the end.<br/>
She would solve that mystery by herself.<br/>
At least it would provide a bit of a distraction because God knew she would have to keep herself occupied or she would drown in her grief.<br/>
-------------------------------------------</p><p>Her first week in Storybrooke went surprisingly well.<br/>
Henry loved preschool while Emma enjoyed the slower pace of the sleepy little town. It allowed her to spend more time with her son because working overtime seemed to be a rare occurrence here. It was a great relief if Emma was honest because she had hated how many times she had come home late while still in Boston.<br/>
She had missed out on so much of Henry's life, Neal as well, and neither the fact that Henry had enjoyed kindergarten nor that his babysitter Ashley had been amazing had made up for the guilt Emma had always felt.</p><p>Henry missed his dad, his nightmares told her as much but he seemed happier still.<br/>
Her little boy was slowly accepting their new normal in a new home while Emma's heart bled.</p><p>Storybrooke was nice and the people were lovely, no doubt.<br/>
Dorothy and David, her fellow deputies, were good, capable people and Emma enjoyed working with them.<br/>
And Killian and Milah were her safe haven.<br/>
They invited her over for dinner every other day and Milah had been true to her word and had brought them along to the clinic on the weekend where Henry had been able to cuddle some tiny puppies that had been abandoned.<br/>
It had been his highlight of the week.</p><p>The one thing Emma couldn't manage was sleeping.<br/>
It was so hard for her to fall asleep and exhaustion threatened to kick her ass but she simply couldn't find rest.<br/>
It worried her because of her unborn child and she decided that maybe it was time to give Dr. Hopper a call.</p><p>She had taken a walk to the beach every afternoon, at Henry's request, her son eager to find and collect shells while Emma had kept looking at the cliff, staring at the lighthouse.</p><p>So far she hadn't found out a lot about it other than it had been built around 1837 and that it was abandoned in the 90s.<br/>
According to google no one lived there anymore but it couldn't be, could it?</p><p>Emma had seen the woman appear at the edge of the cliff every day, around 5 pm, staring at the sea beneath her for a while before she had disappeared again.<br/>
And there had been light in one of the windows every night, Emma was sure of it.</p><p>She had seen it on more than one occasion when she had gone outside for a breath of fresh air once  Henry had been asleep.<br/>
The fresh sea air was what she loved most about Storybrooke. And that she could hear the sound of the waves if she kept her bedroom window open.</p><p>Her curiosity was slowly getting the best of her and that was why Emma and Henry were hiking up the path to said lighthouse, at last, a few after their arrival in town.<br/>
It was a warm, sunny day and Emma was looking forward to the stunning view she was sure they would find.<br/>
-------------------------------</p><p>It was a beautiful hike up to the cliff and Emma found that she enjoyed it immensely.<br/>
So did Henry because the path was easy enough for her five-year-old (soon to be six) to walk by himself.<br/>
It was important to find routes like that because she couldn't carry him forever, especially considering that she was pregnant again.</p><p>By the time they reached the plateau they were ready for a break.<br/>
Emma was glad that she had packed some sandwiches and apples and not just water when she had gotten her backpack ready because she really could use some food.</p><p>She spotted a lone bench not far from the edge of the cliff and she was about to suggest to her son that they should take their break there when she caught sight of her.</p><p>A woman was sitting there with a dog resting by her feet.</p><p>"Momma, look! Dog!", Henry bounced in excitement, causing Emma to roll her eyes at her son's antics.</p><p>He grabbed her hand and made her go faster until they reached the bench and Henry almost yelled, "Can I pet the dog?"</p><p>Emma watched the woman jump up in what seemed to be panic.<br/>
She grabbed Henry by his shirt and stopped him from moving any further, "I'm sorry, ma'am. We didn't mean to startle you. My son just really loves dogs."</p><p>Brown eyes met hers and the intensity of the gaze made Emma take a step back immediately.<br/>
The woman, almost as tall as Emma, was standing there, hand to her chest, a horrified expression on her face.<br/>
But there was so much more than that in those expressive brown eyes.</p><p>Emma saw so much fear and sadness but there was also something that almost looked like longing.<br/>
She wanted to say something more when the dog, a Rottweiler, got up as well and she gasped when it turned its head towards them.<br/>
There was a nasty scar on the right side of its skull and his right eye must be missing since it was closed completely.</p><p>The woman looked ready to jump out of her skin and Emma felt terribly guilty.<br/>
"I'm truly sorry", she started to apologize anew but the woman simply gestured for her dog to follow her, turned around, and left without a word.</p><p>"Momma...what did I do?", Henry looked up at her with worry in his eyes.</p><p>Emma knelt to properly look at him,  "I don't know, Henry, I think we just startled her. That lady probably comes here to enjoy the silence. It's not your fault though, okay? We didn't know."</p><p>He seemed to accept her answer and nodded, "The dog has a boo-boo."</p><p>"Yes, it does", Emma looked around and saw the woman disappear inside the lighthouse with her dog.<br/>
So, she did live here then.</p><p>Emma made a mental note to come back by herself one of these days. 
She wanted to introduce herself properly anyway considering that she was the new deputy and this mysterious woman was a citizen of Storybrooke after all.
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>
  <i>And there she is...</i>
</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. A first hint</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Being a deputy with Storybrooke PD was a lot more fun than Emma had expected.<br/>Gone was the threat of gangs, the mob, abductions, and murder.<br/>Storybrooke was still the sleepy little town Emma remembered and it made her breathe a little easier each day.<br/>Sleeping was a different thing though but she found that with each passing day she rested a bit better.</p><p>She missed Neal like crazy and she thought about him a lot but the first wave of acceptance had hit her one morning.<br/>This was her life now and she couldn’t slack off forever.</p><p>Henry needed her.<br/>And in a couple of months, the baby would need her too.</p><p>Emma caught herself thinking of the mysterious woman at the lighthouse quite often if she was honest.<br/>She didn’t know why and she didn’t know her story but she had never seen anyone so thoroughly scared by the sight of a child before.<br/>Maybe she had lost her own child?<br/>Or maybe she had been scared by something else? <br/>Maybe it was her?<br/>Maybe she was hiding from someone and had feared that she had been found?</p><p>It was five days after their short encounter that Emma found herself driving up the dirt road that led to the lighthouse.<br/>She was on her first solo patrol and she really wanted to know if the woman was in some sort of trouble, if she needed help.<br/>-------------------------------------------</p><p>As soon as she parked the police cruiser Emma saw the woman appear in the doorway, her worried expression on her face, and Emma felt guilty instantly.<br/>Some people expected bad news as soon as the police showed up, this woman apparently being one of these people.<br/>She checked her appearance in the rearview mirror quickly and got out of the cruiser, trying to look as non-threateningly as possible.</p><p>“Ma’am, there’s nothing to worry about. I just came to officially introduce myself”, Emma spoke loudly to make sure that the other woman heard.</p><p>It was the first time that she really took her in because the last time she had seen her Emma had been busy holding Henry back.</p><p>Her Latina heritage was obvious and her long, dark hair reached her shoulders easily.<br/>She wasn’t wearing any makeup and her outfit consisted of dark blue jeans and a simple burgundy V-neck shirt but she was still a sight to see.</p><p>The woman didn’t care much about her appearance it seemed but Emma had a feeling that it hadn’t always been the case.<br/>She must have been a truly stunning woman before whatever had made her choose to live here in solitude.<br/>Because that much had become clear to Emma without anyone telling her – this woman was living here with no one to keep her company other than her dog.</p><p>Emma stepped closer, “My name is Emma Swan and I’m new in town. I was a police officer with the Boston PD but I…I needed a change of scenery. Killian Jones, the sheriff as I’m sure you know, is a good friend of mine. We met at the academy many years ago. He offered me a position and here I am.”</p><p>The woman eyed her closely, obviously trying to figure out whether Emma was telling the truth or not.</p><p>“I wanted to apologize, again, for my son’s behavior the other day. He just really loves animals and he got a little crazy when he caught sight of your dog”, Emma tried for a small smile but wasn’t sure if she had succeeded because smiling had become such a challenging feat.</p><p>“What’s his name?”</p><p>Emma was startled by the surprisingly warm and curious voice.<br/>For a moment she had even considered the possibility of the woman being mute and/or deaf but apparently, she was capable of talking.</p><p>“My son’s name is Henry.”</p><p>She watched the woman flinch visibly.<br/>What was that supposed to mean?<br/>It wasn’t that bad a name, was it?</p><p>“Like my father”, the woman rasped out eventually, “My father’s name was Henry too.”</p><p>Was.<br/>Oh.<br/>Realization dawned on Emma and she dropped her gaze, “I’m terribly sorry.”</p><p>“May I ask for a favor, Deputy Swan?”, the woman’s expression was quite serious, so Emma just nodded, “Of course.”</p><p>“I know the area around the lighthouse is public land and I can’t stop people from hiking here but please, don’t bring your son back here. It’s not like I hate children…just don’t bring him back. I know it’s a lot to ask but...”</p><p>Emma wanted to ask so many questions but the fear in Regina’s eyes stopped her once more because it was everywhere.<br/>It was in her eyes, in her voice, in the way the woman held herself, shielded herself.<br/>The poor woman must have suffered some sort of trauma, Emma was certain of it. It was the only explanation.<br/>And so Emma nodded her agreement, “It’s fine. I’m sure you have your reasons, ma’am. There are many different trails around town that we can use. Henry’s favorite place is the beach anyway.”</p><p>The woman seemed to remember something and a ghost of a smile appeared on her face for a second but it was gone before Emma could “celebrate” this little bit of progress.</p><p>“It was my father’s too.”<br/>That said the woman turned around and disappeared inside the lighthouse once more.<br/>Emma kept standing there, staring at the wooden door, for a few moments before she finally returned to her cruiser.<br/>It was only when she buckled her seatbelt that Emma realized that she still didn’t even know the woman’s name.<br/>----------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Another week passed without any serious incidents.<br/>A loose dog, two cat rescues, a domestic violence call between a drunken couple, and one minor car crash had been all Emma had to deal with and she was glad.</p><p>They would be safe here in Storybrooke.<br/>Henry wouldn’t have to be worried about losing his mom too.</p><p>Her son, who had made friends already and who had settled in nicely.<br/>If it wouldn’t be for the occasional nightmare Emma would think he would deal fairly well but it wasn’t quite that easy.</p><p>She had seen Doctor Whale yesterday who had told her that she would have a baby girl and she had cried herself to sleep last night.<br/>Neal had always wanted a little princess and now that it was finally coming true he wouldn’t be here to see it.<br/>Emma had looked up at the cliff every afternoon around 5 and she had spotted the woman there every day, no matter the weather.<br/>She had stood there at the edge of the cliff even in the pouring rain, staring out at the sea like clockwork and it kept Emma wondering what had happened to her because clearly she was haunted by something.</p><p>She was on her way home from work that Saturday when she bumped into Ruby outside of Granny’s house where Emma was supposed to pick up her son.</p><p>“Hey you! Good to see you”, Ruby gave her a wolfish smile, “How do you like our sleepy little town so far?”</p><p>“No complaints”, Emma shrugged, “It sure is different than the city but I wanted a change and it’s nice to know that the crime rate here is basically non-existent.”</p><p>Ruby nodded in understanding, “And how’s the little munchkin doing in there? Any weird cravings?”</p><p>Emma couldn’t help but chuckle, “Surprisingly enough it’s not that bad. But we both love your bear claws. Killian brings some every other day.”</p><p>“I’ll send Dorothy by later with a box. We made them fresh about an hour ago.”</p><p>“That’s not necessary”, Emma tried to decline but Ruby interrupted her right away, “It might not be necessary but you shall have them anyway.”</p><p>“Thank you”, Emma mumbled, “Can I ask you something?”</p><p>“Ask away, deputy”, Ruby teased with a smirk and Emma loved her for it. </p><p>Ruby, Dorothy, and Granny were a godsend.<br/>All three of them.<br/>She loved Granny’s snark, Ruby’s humor, and Dorothy’s sarcasm – they were quite the trio and she could see how much they cared about one another.</p><p>“What’s with that woman at the lighthouse?”, Emma looked in the direction of the cliff before her eyes met Ruby’s.</p><p>Emma was stunned when she caught sight of the sadness in the usually mischievously sparkling eyes before Ruby sighed heavily, “Just leave it be, Emma. Regina moved up there for a reason. She needed time and space and God knows no one can blame her.”</p><p>Regina.<br/>A beautiful name.<br/>Regal.<br/>It suited her.<br/>-----------------------------------</p><p>It was a couple of hours later when Henry finally had drifted off to sleep that Emma pulled out her tablet and typed the words “Regina” and “Storybrooke” into the search bar.<br/>She waited with bated breath for the results, only to realize that most of the articles that had been there at some point had been deleted.<br/>Weird.</p><p>But then Emma’s eyes went wide.<br/>There was a picture of a brightly smiling Regina, Regina Mills the article said, from about five years ago.<br/>Back then she had been the Mayor of Storybrooke.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Baby steps</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Emma had tried to talk to Killian about Regina at some point but he had told her to just leave it be because Regina wanted to be left alone, that she valued her privacy above all else.</p><p>It had left Emma’s mind reeling because why would no one tell her what had happened to the woman who had once been Storybrooke’s beloved mayor.<br/>
Her online research hadn’t brought much to light because most articles that had once been there were gone.<br/>
Taken down, deleted, no longer available.<br/>
Why was still a mystery to Emma and since no one was willing to tell her anything she was none the wiser.</p><p>It bothered her and she had considered going back to the lighthouse but Henry had been sick with the flu and so she hadn’t been able to do so.<br/>
Why she was so determined to find out Emma didn’t know but the sadness, the fear, and more than that, the longing, she had seen in Regina Mills eyes was haunting her dreams.<br/>
Almost as much as Neal’s death.<br/>
Her baby bump was growing by the day and she was slowly starting to show and Emma was reminded daily how this was only the quiet before the storm because in a couple of months she would have another baby and she would have no one to help her raise it.<br/>
Yes, she had Killian and Milah, who were absolutely wonderful and she had found new friends in Dorothy, Ruby, Granny, David, and his wife Mary Margaret, but at the end of the day, she would be alone with two kids.<br/>
She had still time and she would start worrying about it soon enough but for now, her thoughts were focused on the woman in the lighthouse.<br/>
It provided the distraction she needed so she wouldn’t drown in her ever-present grief.<br/>
Henry had found some friends in preschool and had settled better than she had expected but he asked about Neal a lot and the nightmares hadn’t faded yet either.<br/>
They still went to the beach whenever she had the time and Henry loved it there. Loved the smell of the ocean and collecting shells.<br/>
Milan and Killian had joined them on a few occasions and he had been to the clinic twice now, petting kittens and puppies and leaving with a smile every time.<br/>
She wished she could get him a pet but she was overwhelmed enough as it was. Caring for another living being would be way too much at this point.</p><p>Emma was on her lunch break, eating a grilled cheese sandwich at the diner when Kathryn Midas approached her and asked if she could take a seat.<br/>
She didn’t see why not and so Emma nodded her agreement while she tried to swallow the bite of the sandwich she was chewing on.</p><p>The mayor sat down opposite her and studied Emma for a moment before she cleared her throat, “I hear you are asking questions about Regina. Care to tell me why that is?”<br/>
Her usually friendly tone was challenging, almost threatening in a way.</p><p>Emma’s head shot up immediately and she looked at Kathryn with wide eyes, “I…I didn’t mean anything by it. I mean…I…I mean no harm.”<br/>
Kathryn tilted her head, debating whether to believe her, Emma could tell.</p><p>“I just…my son and I. We go to the beach a lot and I see her standing on the edge of the cliff every day. First I thought she would jump but she never did. And then we hiked up there one day and she…she was so scared and she looked so sad. I thought she might need help or something. That’s all. I’m a police officer. I work and live here. I do worry about people you know. I’m sorry if I overstepped, Madame Mayor.”</p><p>Kathryn stayed silent for a long while before she spoke again, “It’s fine. You couldn’t know. You weren’t here. I mean you only moved here recently. I didn’t mean to intimidate or scare you, Miss Swan. I apologize.”</p><p>Emma only shrugged, “It’s fine. And please, call me Emma.”</p><p>“Very well. You may call me Kathryn as well.”</p><p>“Sure”, Emma finished her sandwich and took a sip of her orange juice, “Is she alright?”<br/></p><p>Kathryn hesitated but made up her mind eventually, “No, Emma. She’s not. Far from it. But there’s nothing we can do. Regina and I grew up together because our parents were running in the same circles. We were the best of friends. About three years ago she suffered a tragic loss and she couldn’t stay in town. She needed time to herself, needed a break and so she moved into the lighthouse. Close enough but also far enough away so nobody would bother her. I became the interim mayor because I had hope that she would eventually come back but she never did. Every couple of weeks she sneaks into town at the crack of dawn or late in the evening to do her grocery shopping but she talks to no one. I’ve visited her a couple of times but I know she doesn’t want me there. She doesn’t want anyone there. We all hoped and prayed that one day she’d feel better, that she would heal but so far nothing. I’m not sure she’ll ever come back, to be honest.”<br/></p><p>Emma nodded because she didn’t know what to say.<br/>She saw the pain in Kathryn’s eyes and how much she missed and loved Regina. They had been best friends all her life until something had taken it all away from her. Regina apparently lost someone and Kathryn lost her, although she was still here.<br/>Her heart broke for both women.</p><p>“At least she has the dog”, Emma mumbled and Kathryn gave her a small smile, “Pan. He’s such a loyal soul. I’m glad she isn’t all alone up there.”</p><p>Pan.<br/>
Emma filed the information away for later because she wouldn’t give up just yet.<br/>
She understood why the people of Storybrooke had accepted “defeat” but she wouldn’t give up just yet.<br/>
Regina had pushed everyone who had cared about her away but she was a stranger to Regina and she had nothing to lose.<br/>
Emma was probably the only one who didn’t know her story and maybe that was her advantage.</p><p>She understood that Regina had needed a break and that she had chosen solitude but the sadness she had seen in those brown eyes, the longing, had done something to Emma.<br/>
Regina might have chosen this kind of exile but maybe she just didn’t know how to come back from it.<br/>
Maybe she only needed someone to lend her a hand and Emma was willing to try.<br/>
-----------------------------</p><p>Emma had spent a couple of days thinking about how to approach this whole situation without much success.<br/>
Until Dorothy and Ruby had convinced her to go on a trip to Augusta to shop some baby stuff while Granny watched Henry.<br/>
They had driven past a large pet store and Emma had told them to stop there for a moment because she wanted to get something for Milah when in truth she had purchased treats and some chew sticks for Regina’s Rottweiler but they didn’t need to know that.<br/>
She wouldn’t tell anyone.<br/>
-------------------------------------</p><p>They returned late that evening after a delicious dinner at Ruby’s favorite Italian place with a bag full of baby clothes and some toys for Henry.<br/>
Ruby and Dorothy had offered to paint the nursery and Emma was grateful for the help because she wouldn’t be able to do it all on her own next to her full-time job and taking care of Henry.</p><p>It was moments like these where she missed Neal the most although the nights still were the worst.<br/>
She missed him, missed being held, missed his warmth but these days she was more angry than sad.<br/>
How dare he leave her like that?<br/>
Why did he have to be so very ambitious, always wanting more than he had?<br/>
Why hadn’t it been enough?<br/>
Why had his little family not been enough?<br/>
Emma tried not to dwell on it so much but it wasn’t easy.<br/>
She had a lot of bad days still but it was getting better slowly.<br/>
It was just a tiny bit of progress and yet it was better than nothing.<br/>
-----------------------------------------</p><p>She had spent her weekend off with Henry at the beach. Fall had come early and it was getting colder by the day.<br/>
Soon they wouldn’t be able to spend the days outside anymore anyway and with her progressing pregnancy, Emma wouldn’t be able to move around so much either.<br/>
She vividly remembered how horrible she felt during the last few weeks she had been pregnant with Henry.<br/>
She had felt like a beached whale although she had started to show rather late.</p><p>Truth be told, she wasn’t looking forward to those weeks now that she was alone in the house but she had hope that she would manage somehow with the help of her friends.</p><p>It was Monday morning when she drove up to the lighthouse, dog treats on the passenger seat of her SUV.<br/>
Henry was at preschool and she didn’t have to be at the station before lunch, so Emma had decided it would be a great opportunity to set her plan to help Regina to motion.<br/>
She just hoped that her actions would be welcome.<br/>
----------------------------------------</p><p>Once she had parked the car she put the treats and the chew sticks into a bag, together with the note she had written, and carried it over to the bench Regina used to sit on every afternoon.</p><p>Neither Regina nor Pan was anywhere in sight and Emma was glad because this would be a delicate operation and it would need time but that was the one thing she had too much of anyway.<br/>
Too much time to think, grief and cry.</p><p>By helping Regina she might be able to help herself as well.<br/>
It wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen.</p><p>They were both grieving the loss of something, of someone, so they had something in common.<br/>
There was some sort of connection and Emma would be damned if Regina would spend the rest of her life up here, all alone, with only a dog to keep her company.</p><p>Emma took a moment to enjoy the stunning view, the open sea and took a breath of fresh air before she put the bag on the bench, turned around, and returned to her car.</p><p>When she drove the dirt road back into town she couldn’t help but to feel accomplished and a little more content than she had in months.<br/>
She hadn’t done much, it was only a first baby step in the hopefully right direction but it was the first time since Neal had passed that Emma felt a tiny spark of hope.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. An unexpected gift</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <b>TW: brief mentions of suicidal thoughts</b>
</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Regina stared out of the window in irritation.</p><p>Emma Swan.<br/>
Again.</p><p>When she had heard a car approaching she had immediately tensed because no one bothered to come up here anymore.<br/>
Usually.</p><p>The last time anyone had come visit had been Kathryn for her birthday. She had turned 42.<br/>
That had been over one and a half years ago.<br/>
These days no one showed up and Regina didn't blame any of her friends because she didn't want them near.</p><p>She wasn't in the mood to talk because really – what was there to say?<br/>
Nothing anyone would say could undo the past and she had no desire to move on because she didn't deserve it when her own ignorance had been the root of all evil to begin with.</p><p>Worse than the never-ending questions about her well being had been the pity she had seen in everyone's eyes.<br/>
Oh, how she had hated it.</p><p>People had walked on eggshells around her and Regina had hated every second of it.<br/>
They had treated her like this fragile little thing and she had known that she couldn't lead them anymore.<br/>
She could no longer be their mayor because people thought her too weak to function.<br/>
No one had outright said it but she had felt it in their every word, in their every look.</p><p>Yes, it had been a difficult time and it still was.<br/>
She would never forgive herself, how could she?<br/>
But life had gone on despite everything.<br/>
It always did, didn't it?<br/>
Even though Regina had felt as if the world would end back then.<br/>
She had watched her whole world shatter into a million pieces together with her heart and yet she had kept breathing.</p><p>She was still here.<br/>
Even though she had contemplated ending it all for good in some of her darkest moments.</p><p>It would have made her a coward though.<br/>
She deserved this pain more than peace and she would never show herself mercy.<br/>
She would endure, she would live out her life to the very last day and she would carry the guilt without complaint.<br/>
She would face herself in the mirror every day despite the fact that she could barely look at her reflection these days.<br/>
She would never forget, she would make herself remember.<br/>
Every single day.</p><p>Pan appeared next to her and put his front paws up on the small kitchenette, looking out of the window with interest.</p><p>Right.<br/>
Emma Swan.</p><p>What was that woman doing here again?<br/>
For a moment Regina feared Storybrooke's new deputy would come knocking but thankfully she didn't.</p><p>Regina wasn't sure what to make of that woman.<br/>
A kind and beautiful woman with an adorable little boy, who had warmed her pain-stricken heart with his cheeky grin the moment she had caught sight of him but Regina knew that she couldn't afford to get attached to anything or anyone.</p><p>Attachment was a treacherous thing.<br/>
It made you blind to the truth and she'd never make that mistake again.</p><p>She took another look out of the window and saw Emma put a bag on the bench before she took in the view for a moment.</p><p>Her view.<br/>
The tiny bit of solace she allowed herself every day.</p><p>She watched Emma walk back to the car.<br/>
God, that color was hideous.<br/>
Whoever had thought bright blue metallic was a good fit for an SUV should be sued.</p><p>Had Emma chosen to drive her own car this time because she had been so tense the last time when Emma had shown up in her police cruiser?<br/>
Could it really be that Storybrooke's new deputy would be that considerate?</p><p>For some reason, Regina wouldn't put it past Emma Swan.<br/>
She had no idea what it was about the woman, maybe it was the sadness that radiated off of her and was so familiar to Regina, or maybe it was the kindness in Emma's sparkling eyes, in her gentle voice.</p><p>Regina couldn't help but feel intrigued because clearly there was a story there and she had contemplated inviting Emma in for a cup of tea when she had shown up in her uniform the other week.</p><p>Emma didn't know her and she doubted that Emma knew her story or she wouldn't bother to come back time and time again, Regina was sure of it.</p><p>The thought to talk to someone other than her dog thrilled Regina, it excited her in ways nothing had in years but she knew that she couldn't.</p><p>Emma had a son.<br/>
A son named like her father.<br/>
It was enough of a reminder to stay away.</p><p>Regina had to admit that she had feared the worst when the police cruiser had shown up that day about two weeks ago.<br/>
Of course, she hadn't expected to see the unfamiliar blonde woman, unaware that Killian had hired a new deputy.<br/>
Had something happened to Albert or had he simply retired early?</p><p>Either way, she had expected the sheriff or maybe Dorothy or David, but not Emma Swan and she had been thoroughly surprised.<br/>
She had also expected bad news and not a courtesy visit but this woman seemed to be full of surprises.</p><p>Regina heard the car come to life and spotted the bag still sitting on the bench.<br/>
Had Emma forgotten it or had she put it there on purpose?<br/>
What was the meaning of this?</p><p>She waited another couple of minutes after Emma had undoubtedly driven off before Regina put on her shoes and went outside, accompanied by her dog.<br/>
Curiosity had gotten the better of her, no matter how hard she had tried to fight it.<br/>
----------------------------------------------------</p><p>Regina stood in front of the bench and eyed the bag suspiciously.<br/>
She wasn't sure what to expect.<br/>
It caused her to hesitate but she chided herself for being so childish only moments later.</p><p>Emma Swan was a deputy and not some stalkerish person who wanted to harm her, now was she?<br/>
And there was still the very real possibility that Emma simply had forgotten the bag.</p><p>Pan was running in circles, whining like a puppy.<br/>
His behavior irritated Regina until she opened the bag and gasped at the sight of the dog treats it contained.<br/>
What?<br/>
How?</p><p>A piece of paper caught her eye only seconds later.<br/>
Her attempts at calming herself proved fruitless, much to Regina's dismay, and so she pulled the note out and unfolded it with shaking hands, only to gasp once again.</p><p>
  <i>Regina,</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I went on a bit of a shopping trip to Augusta last weekend.<br/>
Well, some friends dragged me along because I'm not crazy about shopping.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I came across this amazing pet store and decided to bring some treats for your dog because I know a proper pet store is something Storybrooke is lacking (Milah can't stop complaining).</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I'm well aware that you aren't keen on company and I respect that but I will be checking in on you here and there anyway.<br/>
Just in case.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I won't approach you or come knocking, but you'll see me around.<br/>
In case you ever need anything or feel like chatting just come and say 'hi'.<br/>
There's no obligation though.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I hope your furry friend enjoys his goodies.<br/>
Have a nice day,</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Emma</i>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Only the beginning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Emma had returned to the lighthouse about a week later with fresh blueberry scones after Ruby had mentioned with a wistful sigh that they had been Regina's favorite once upon a time.<br/>She had dropped the bag right in front of the door, not expecting Regina to acknowledge her presence but to Emma's big surprise Regina had stood at the window, watching her.</p><p>Emma had given a small wave and a smile and Regina had nodded once in return.<br/>It hadn't been much but it had been something.</p><p>She had returned to the unusual home on the cliff once more a couple of days ago with a big bone for Pan from the butcher and some red milk dark chocolate from Honduras.<br/>Emma had needed to order it over the internet but she had seen Kathryn eat it once at the mayor's office, lost in memories, and she had admitted that she had found Regina's secret stash when she had taken over the mayor's office and that she was addicted to it since.<br/>It wasn't the cheapest chocolate, obviously, but Killian had refused to charge her rent for at least a year, so she could afford it.</p><p>Her plan had been to leave the bag on Regina's doorstep again but when Emma had put the car in park she had spotted Regina at the edge of the cliff, her dog by her side as usual.<br/>As soon as she opened the car door the dog had turned his head to focus on her and Emma had waved shyly and had held up the bag to explain her presence.</p><p>Regina hadn't come any closer but she had said something to the dog because Pan had trotted toward Emma mere seconds later.<br/>She had put the bag down and the dog had sniffed it curiously before he had taken it and had returned to Regina's side.</p><p>Emma had watched Regina take the bag from his jaws and inspect its contents.<br/>She had taken the bone out of its wrapping and had handed it to her Rottweiler, who had grabbed it immediately and Emma hadn't been able to stop herself from chuckling.</p><p>Regina's eyes had grown wide in disbelief when she had spotted the chocolate and Emma made a mental note to order more for future visits.</p><p>“Have a nice day, Regina”, Emma had stated, loud enough for Regina to hear before she had turned to head back to her car.</p><p>“You too, deputy.”</p><p>Emma hadn't expected it but hearing Regina's voice had warmed her heart all the same.<br/>------------------------------------------------</p><p>Emma was breathing heavily.<br/>She was almost seven months pregnant now and she couldn't hide it anymore. Only when she was wearing her uniform jacket that was a size or two too big for her people didn't see it at first glance.</p><p>She had decided to come to the cliff today because the weather had been so nice in the morning and Granny would pick up Henry for her because her elderly neighbor wanted to bake cookies this afternoon and Henry, always eager to help, had screeched till she had allowed him to do so after Eugenia had mentioned it the other day.</p><p>Henry had gotten better and his nightmares had gotten less frequent, much to Emma's relief.<br/>The same couldn't be said for her but she slept more these days, worn down by her progressing pregnancy.<br/>She would have a little girl and she would be ecstatic if it wouldn't be for the fact that her daughter would never meet her father, who had dreamed of having a little princess to spoil for years.</p><p>It had started raining while she had hiked up the trail to the lighthouse and Emma cursed herself for not taking the car, especially when she caught sight of the dark clouds in the sky once she made it past the trees.<br/>Thunder could be heard in the distance and Emma stopped to take a deep breath.</p><p>She had definitely underestimated this.<br/>What had she been thinking?<br/>She had to keep going though because she was a lot closer to the lighthouse than to her house. She would look for shelter there and wait out the storm that was about to come but she should probably call Granny to let her know that she would be late.</p><p>The only problem was that she couldn't find her phone.<br/>She must have either lost it or forgotten at home.<br/>Oh hell!</p><p>The wind was picking up and the rain got heavier as she moved on and Emma could hear Pan barking in the distance.<br/>She wasn't far from the lighthouse, she just had to turn the corner and it would come into view but she was exhausted.<br/>God, she was such an idiot.<br/>If something happened to her out here Henry would grow up an orphan and her daughter would never even be born.</p><p>Stumbling forward Emma dragged herself closer to the lighthouse while the excessive barking of Pan grew louder and louder.<br/>When she finally saw it, the lighthouse surrounded by the ever-darkening sky, like a beacon of hope Emma felt relief wash over her.<br/>She didn't know why but she was sure things would be fine.</p><p>The rain was falling heavily by now and the ground had turned quite slippery but Emma kept moving anyway.<br/>She couldn't stay out in the open, she knew that much. She'd be sick as all hell tomorrow.</p><p>A loud crack of thunder closer than she was comfortable with made Emma jump only moments later and it took all of her strength to suppress the fear that threatened to overwhelm her but then the front door of the lighthouse flew open and Pan dashed outside like he had gone mad, followed by an irritated Regina Mills, whose eyes grew wide as saucers when she spotted Emma.</p><p>Emma on the other hand couldn't stop herself from smiling.<br/>Regina.<br/>She was so glad to see and when Regina came closer and ultimately dragged her with her Emma felt a wave of warmth wash over her.<br/>She wasn't sure what it was about Regina that captivated her the way it did but Emma thought that maybe it was the sadness that was surrounding them both that connected them in a way.<br/>The sadness and the grief that was even more obvious in Regina's eyes than in her own.<br/>----------------------------------------------</p><p>As soon as Emma crossed the threshold and entered the lighthouse she gasped in surprise.<br/>The furniture was simple but it was homey and comfortable all the same.</p><p>There was a small and functional kitchen, a table with two chairs, a couch, and a massive bookshelf.<br/>She spotted another door that might lead to a bathroom if Emma were to guess and then there was a staircase that would most likely lead to more living space upstairs.</p><p>“What in God's name are you doing out here in this weather?”, Regina asked once she had closed the door, eyeing her unexpected guest incredulously.</p><p>Emma shrugged, “I felt like going for a stroll. Underestimated the weather. I'm not used to that kind of rapid changes. I'm from the city.”</p><p>Regina accepted the answer with a nod. Weather in Storybrooke tended to be a lot crazier than in the city and she felt sympathy for the drenched woman.</p><p>“Give me your jacket. I'll put it next to the heater before I'll make you some tea”, she held out her hand and watched Storybrooke's new deputy unzip her jacket.<br/>It was then that she caught sight of Emma Swan's stomach and her eyes grew wide once more.</p><p>“You're pregnant”.<br/>Regina's voice was barely a whisper and if Emma wouldn't have stood so close she probably wouldn't have heard it.</p><p>A small, insecure smile appeared on Emma's face, “Yeah. Yeah, I am. Is that a...problem?”<br/>She studied the emotions swirling in Regina's eyes. There was so much pain and longing and a horror Emma had never seen in anyone's eyes ever before.<br/>What was it that had Regina so afraid? <br/>The thought of children terrified her in a way although Emma could tell how much she loved them.<br/>It didn't make sense.</p><p>“N-no. No, it's...fine”, Regina stammered out at last and took the jacket with shaking hands.<br/>She gestured for Emma to take a seat and handed her a blanket once she had put up the jacket to dry and started on the tea.</p><p>“I'm sorry to bother you”, Emma couldn't help but to feel like an intruder because she was well aware that Regina didn't care for company, “I'll be out of your hair as soon as the rain lets up.”</p><p>Regina tensed visibly but she turned around to look at Emma anyway, “It's fine.”<br/>It wasn't, not really.<br/>But then again she had come to Emma's rescue by choice.<br/>“It gives me the opportunity to repay you for your kindness. I wasn't aware of how much I missed my chocolate. And Pan has enjoyed all his treats as well.”</p><p>“That reminds me”, Emma got up, “There's more chocolate in my jacket and some calcium treats for your dog. Milah suggested them.”</p><p>She walked over to the heater and took two chocolate bars and a bag of treats out of the jacket, glad that the chocolate hadn't molten yet, and handed both to Regina who gave her this strange look of utter disbelief once more.</p><p>“Why are you doing this?”, Regina wanted to know and studied Emma closely. What could that woman possibly want?</p><p>Emma was silent for a while, thinking about her answer because she felt that this might be her only shot to convince Regina to take a chance on her.<br/>She would have to choose her words wisely and it dawned on her that she had to take a different approach as well because clearly, Regina didn't feel comfortable sharing her story.</p><p>Emma couldn't blame her because they didn't know each other.<br/>If she wanted Regina to trust her she should probably start with trusting Regina first.</p><p>“My husband, Neal, was a police officer with Boston PD. He died at the end of May while he was on duty”, Emma explained carefully, “We met while we were at the academy. It's where I met Killian too. We were the best of friends and when...after Neal died...I couldn't stay. I had to leave and Killian was kind enough to offer me a job here in Storybrooke. Even though I'm”, Emma put her hands over her stomach, “He lets me stay in his house too because he has moved in with Milah. My husband, he didn't even know that I was pregnant again when he died.”</p><p>Emma felt the tears welling in her eyes, “And now here I am. Alone with our son and our daughter once she'll be born.”</p><p>Regina still hadn't said a word but she was pouring hot water into two mugs and carried them over to the couch, handed one to Emma, and took a seat at the other end, always keeping her distance.<br/>Pan jumped onto the couch as well and placed himself between the two of them and dozed off the minute his head hit the blanket Emma was covered with.</p><p>“I'm scared”, Emma admitted, “I don't know how to do all of this on my own. I'm scared to let my children down. I can't sleep and I'm tired. So tired. I'm trying to move on but I don't know how.”</p><p>Regina tilted her head and sighed, “How much do you know about me?”</p><p>“I know nothing. Nobody would say a word about you. Just that you want to be left alone. Ruby mentioned once that you liked the scones and I saw Kathryn sheepishly eat chocolate at the office and she mentioned that you were responsible for her addiction to it. And she told me that she always thought you'd come back into town one day and that she misses you terribly.”</p><p>Regina swallowed hard as she processed Emma's words but wasn't ready to say anything.</p><p>“Oh, and I saw a picture of you from a few years back. When you still were the mayor of Storybrooke. You looked so happy”, Emma added without much thought but when she saw Regina's shoulders sag she regretted being so careless instantly.</p><p>“I'm sorry. I...”</p><p>“It's fine”, Regina shrugged it off, “None of it is your fault. You don't even know.”<br/>She cleared her throat, “Listen, Emma. I appreciate your concern and your kindness and I'm terribly sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how difficult life must be for you at the moment but if you think we have anything in common I have to disappoint you.”</p><p>Emma wanted to protest but Regina gestured for her to be quiet and she obliged.</p><p>“My family is dead and I have suffered a great amount of loss but it's not the same. I don't wish to talk about it because it's my burden to carry, not yours.”<br/>Regina took a sip of her tea before, both hands wrapped around the mug for warmth.<br/>“I can't offer you advice either because I think it's quite obvious that I don't know how to move on.”</p><p>Emma was silent for a long while then, not sure what to say, but she found her voice eventually, “It might not be my burden to carry but I'm here to listen anyway. You can tell me, Regina. I won't judge.”</p><p>A bitter chuckle escaped Regina's lips, “How could you not when it's my fault that my whole family is dead? My father, my mother, my sister. My husband. And my daughter...she's...”</p><p>Emma's stomach filled with dread.<br/>Her daughter was what?<br/>Disabled? <br/>Worse?<br/>Surely it must have been an accident because if Regina had killed them on purpose she wouldn't be here. She'd be behind bars.<br/>And Regina Mills was not a murderer, Emma was sure of that.<br/>The woman was dealing with too much regret and too much guilt to have erased her whole family.<br/>Her pain was too raw.<br/>No one who cared so deeply, even years later, was capable of murdering people in cold blood.<br/>Right?</p><p>“I think”, Emma said, “I think it might do you some good to talk about it with someone who isn't from here. Someone who hasn't been involved in whatever happened back then.”</p><p>Regina eyed her closely, like a predator eyed its prey, “You really want to know?</p><p>Emma nodded, determination written all over her face, “I want to know. Tell me your story, Regina.”</p><p>She was sure that things would get better if only Regina would talk about it, unaware of what kind of abyss she would be dragged into.<br/>Unaware of the darkness that was awaiting them both and ignorant to the fact that it would change both of their lives forever.</p><p>It was the same ignorance that been Regina's undoing about three years ago.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. A walk down memory lane - Part I</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <i>Flashbacks in italics </i>
</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Regina got up to take a look out of the window, realizing that the weather had gotten even worse.</p><p>“Where is your son?”, she asked with concern when it dawned on her that Emma should probably pick up the child somewhere.</p><p>Emma gave her a small smile, “He is baking cookies with Granny. I meant to call, but it seems I forgot my phone at home.”</p><p>Regina went over to her closet, only to return to the couch with a smartphone in hand a couple of minutes later.<br/>
She turned it on and handed it to Emma, “Call her. Someone needs to pick you up anyway because it will be way too slippery to walk, especially in your condition.”</p><p>Emma nodded and Regina went to feed her dog but Emma suspected that she was trying to give Emma some privacy to make her call, even if it wouldn't have been necessary.<br/>
---------------------------</p><p>Dorothy had picked up the phone and had told Emma that she would come to get her as soon as the rain would let up and Emma had made her promise that she wouldn't tell anyone that she was “stuck” at Regina's.</p><p>Regina wasn't ready to deal with people and Emma understood that she had gotten the rare opportunity to spend time with the woman everyone else seemed to miss terribly and yet Regina had refused them all.<br/>
If word got out that she had been here, that Regina had talked to her, had given her shelter, well, Emma was sure some of Storybrooke's citizens would show up on the lighthouse doorstep eventually and she doubted that Regina would appreciate it.<br/>
If Regina wanted to see anyone she would let them know.<br/>
Until then Emma would “protect” the severely traumatized woman to the best of her ability.</p><p>She watched Regina turn off the phone and put it back into the closet before she sat down again, a fresh cup of tea in her hands.</p><p>“My father was a successful lawyer and my mother...she was the mayor of Storybrooke before me. I grew up wanting for nothing, with parents who loved and supported me, no matter what. My mother was incredibly driven and ambitious, strict, but an admirable woman and I loved her dearly”, Regina began and her eyes grew even sadder which Emma had thought impossible.</p><p>“My father was a great man. Warm. Kind. He loved horses. We both did. My sister, Zelena, and I were polar opposites but we were as close as siblings could be. She was a rather free spirit and I...well, I took after my mother in that regard although I was a daddy's girl through and through”, Regina took a sip of her tea, “We were one of the most respected families in Storybrooke and growing up her had been everything you could dream of. Idyllic and carefree. Safe.”</p><p>Emma nodded, “I get that. It was one of the reasons why Neal and I had planned to move to Storybrooke a couple of years down the road anyway. To raise our kids here. He just wanted to make detective first and then...”</p><p>“Life is cruel like that, isn't it?”, Regina chuckled bitterly, “I met Daniel at the stables when I was sixteen. He had recently moved to town with his parents. He had taken a job there to make some money on the side because he wanted to buy his own horse eventually. He had the kindest heart. I think that was the reason why he was so good with the horses. He had a calm about him that allowed him to handle even the ones no one else dared to go close to.”</p><p>“He sounds like a great guy”, Emma gave Regina a small smile but Regina only nodded stoically, “He was outstanding. I couldn't quite believe that he was interested in me.”</p><p>Emma looked at Regina in disbelief, not sure why Regina seemed to think so little of herself. Even back then.</p><p>“A riding accident gave me this scar”, Regina ran her fingertip over her upper lip, “I felt self-conscious ever since. But Daniel, he was everything he ever wanted. And so much more. We fell in love. Life was beautiful.”</p><p>Emma watched Regina struggle for words and realized that maybe Regina needed a break, “I grew up in the system. Was found on the side of the road as a baby. My childhood wasn't anything like yours. It was group homes, foster homes, some better, some worse. I got shoved around a lot until I ended up with my last foster mom when I was almost fourteen. Her name is Ingrid and she saved my life in more than one way. She helped me straighten out my life. Otherwise, I wouldn't be who I am today. The first time I had friends was at the academy.”</p><p>Regina studied Emma quietly for a while.<br/>
Never would she have guessed that this incredibly kind woman had to deal with so many hardships in her life only to end up a widow.<br/>
Life really wasn't fair, now was it?</p><p>“Daniel began to work at the stables full-time once he graduated. My mother wasn't too thrilled because she would have rather had him go to university but Daniel's greatest love were the horses and my father encouraged him all the way, much to mother's chagrin”, Regina admitted with a small chuckle.</p><p>It was the first time Emma saw something akin to amusement in those haunted eyes and it was gone only seconds later.</p><p>“I graduated a year later and left Storybrooke because I was set on becoming a lawyer like my father”, Regina explained, “Distance was hard on us but we made it work. I was still in law school when I found out that I was pregnant. Granted, I had a bit of a meltdown there.”</p><p>Emma chuckled because for some reason she could picture Regina losing her shit vividly.<br/>
A much younger Regina, who had been determined to reach her goals.</p><p>“It might have been unplanned but it wasn't unwanted”, Regina added, “Daniel I dreamed of having children one day. Just not necessarily right then. We were over the moon anyway and together with my parents and his mother we made it work. A couple of months after my 24th birthday our daughter was born. Lilith Danielle Mills. God, she was so beautiful. She was this perfect little miracle and she was ours. I loved her so much.”</p><p>“I can imagine”, Emma smiled again, fond memories of her own pregnancy and Henry's birth flooding her mind, “Henry was the sweetest baby. His tiny feet. My god. I'll never forget the moment his tiny hand curled around my finger for the first time. His tiny dimples when he grinned. Neal was so proud. It was the happiest I've ever been.”</p><p>“Daniel was a great father. He never once complained about the sleepless nights although he had to get up early to go to the stables and even earlier when he had been promoted to stables manager. He took it all in stride, always supportive, always attentive. He was the picture-perfect father and I couldn't have loved him more”, Regina's thoughts drifted off and got caught up in her memories.</p><p>
  <i>She was standing in front of the crib, watching their perfect little angel sleep.<br/>
Strong arms wrapped around her from behind and a smile appeared on her face, leaning against a well-toned chest.<br/>
Daniel put a kiss behind her ear, causing her to shiver.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“She's so beautiful”, Regina whispered, feeling Daniel's smile against her skin, “Just like her mama.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>She turned around, eyes sparkling with delight, “I'm fairly certain you had something to do with that as well, darling.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Daniel kissed her then, slow and gentle, “I'll draw you a bath.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Regina watched him step back, a perfect smile on his face, “Thank you. I'll be right over.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>And then she turned around once more to watch her beautiful little girl sleep for another minute.<br/>
She loved Daniel with all her heart but the love she felt for her daughter was different.<br/>
Never in her life had Regina thought that a love like this would be even possible. Ever since she had found out that she was pregnant, ever since she had gotten over the initial shock, she had loved the child that had grown inside of her.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>She had spent many a night awake, wondering what the future would hold for them now that they would be a real family.<br/>
She had tried to imagine what it would feel like to bring her own child into this world.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Never in her life would she have thought it could be this perfect.<br/>
Lilith was the best of her, no doubt.<br/>
Of them both.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>She would grow up wanting for nothing.<br/>
They would spoil her and love her.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Regina put a soft kiss on the crown of her daughter's small head and vowed that she would always protect her.<br/>
She would protect her with everything she had and then some.</i>
</p><p>A single tear rolled down Regina's cheek and she wiped it away hectically.<br/>
She didn't deserve to cry.</p><p>“I know you think you don't deserve to grieve but you do, Regina”, Emma stated matter-of-factly, “No matter what happened, you lost the people you loved dearly and you deserve to grief for them.”</p><p>“I wouldn't need to grieve them if I hadn't been so stupid. If I had listened”, Regina snarled back, “If only I had listened.”</p><p>Emma hesitated but moved close to Regina in the end, waking Pan in the process. The dog jumped off the couch and stretched his legs which allowed Emma to take Regina's hand.<br/>
She squeezed it gently, “Regina, I don't know what you did or what you think you did but I'm sure you didn't do it on purpose. I'm aware that it doesn't change the outcome, sadly, but it makes all the difference.”</p><p>“What kind of difference does it make? Everyone is dead!”, Regina growled and tried to pull her hand back but Emma didn't let go, “I suspected that I was pregnant for a couple of weeks before I finally made an appointment with my gynecologist. I've played this game too, Regina. If only I would have found out sooner. Maybe Neal would have been more careful, maybe he wouldn't have taken the case, maybe he would have stayed home. Maybe he'd still be alive but the truth is...I'll never know. Maybe it would have changed nothing and he still would have died. Or maybe it would have saved his life. Do you think it's my fault that my husband died?”</p><p>Regina stared at Emma with wide eyes, “No. No, of course not! You couldn't have known what would happen.”</p><p>“And neither could you”, Emma tried, only for Regina to shake her head, “And that's where you are wrong. I knew what could happen but I didn't wanna hear it. I knew and I did nothing to stop it. I couldn't. I couldn't even begin to imagine that...that my love for my daughter would cost me everything.”</p><p>Emma was about to say something, her mind reeling when they heard a car stop outside.<br/>
Dorothy.<br/>
Goddammit!</p><p>Regina cleared her throat and Emma saw her shoulders sagged in relief, “I think it's time for you to leave, Emma.”</p><p>“Yeah”, Emma struggled to her feet immediately, “Can I...can I come back?”</p><p>Regina nodded absentmindedly, “Only if you promise to have someone drive you. You shouldn't be out there by yourself in your condition.”</p><p>A warm smile appeared on Emma's face.<br/>
It was nice to know that Regina worried about her safety now when she had been so standoffish in the beginning, “Deal.”</p><p>“I can't promise to tell you everything”, Regina admitted weakly, her mind still reeling from their conversation and the memories it had drawn back to the surface.</p><p>“I don't mind”, Emma assured, “Whatever you feel comfortable sharing is fine. And if you don't want to talk about what happened...well, that's fine too. We can just hang out for all I care. Okay?”</p><p>Regina met Emma's eyes then and saw the sincerity in them.<br/>
She nodded.<br/>
“Okay.”</p><p>She accompanied Emma to the door and watched her leave, watched her get into the car before Regina let herself slide to the floor, knees pulled against her chest.<br/>
Tears were streaming down her face, and Pan was poking his nose against her cheek to cheer her up, but it was to no avail.</p><p>Emma got to walk away, but Regina was stuck in this hell.<br/>
Stuck in the darkest corner of her mind and all Regina could see were empty eyes and a cruel smile.<br/>
And blood.<br/>
So much blood.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. A moment of peace</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dorothy hadn't commented on Emma's whereabouts, much to Emma's relief.<br/>
Truth be told, she wouldn't have known how to explain her presence at the lighthouse, especially since everyone had told her to stay away.</p><p>Regina and her, they were something.<br/>
Something more than acquaintances Emma liked to believe.<br/>
But nowhere near close enough to be friends.<br/>
Maybe, one day.</p><p>She had picked up an overenthusiastic Henry, who had handed her a box of cookies that they had baked “jus fo u, momma”.<br/>
She had eaten them all once Henry had fallen asleep not even half an hour later, worn out from an afternoon of baking with Granny.</p><p>Emma's mind had been in overdrive after her conversation with Regina and no matter how much she had tried to calm her thoughts, she hadn't succeeded.<br/>
Something horrible must have happened to Regina and her family to have the woman so haunted and Emma's heart ached for her.</p><p>She had fallen into a restless sleep, dreaming of a much younger Regina, vibrant and full of life, until an unknown darkness had swallowed her whole.<br/>
-----------------------------------------------</p><p>Regina hadn't dared to go to sleep at all.<br/>
She had stayed awake for almost 48 hours, had fought sleep and the inevitable nightmares for as long as she had been able to.<br/>
Until she crashed on her couch from exhaustion, only to jump awake a couple of hours later with shaking hands and a wildly racing heart.</p><p>Her forehead was covered in a cold sweat and Regina pressed her eyes shut, willing the memories away with all her might.<br/>
God, why did she have to talk about her past, her family, with Emma?<br/>
As if it hadn't been bad enough before Storybrooke's new deputy had breezed into her life like an unexpected summer storm.</p><p>And yet.<br/>
There was something about Emma, something that made her want to tell her story.<br/>
Maybe it was the fact that Emma had lost her husband or maybe it was something else entirely.<br/>
Who knew?<br/>
Maybe her loneliness had finally gotten the best of her and she would tell anyone anything at this point.</p><p>Regina decided not to dwell on it because she wasn't sure if Emma would come back despite her promises that she would.<br/>
The woman was pregnant and had a son after all.</p><p>Trust Emma Swan to prove her wrong when she appeared with a bag of what smelled like Chinese takeout the next Friday.</p><p>“Henry has a sleepover at Grace's. It's her birthday and he was so excited that he got invited, I didn't have the heart to tell him no”, Emma explained as she brushed into the house at a ridiculously fast speed for a pregnant woman.</p><p>Pan followed after her, nose in the air, and Regina could only stare for a moment before she shook her head in something akin to amusement and helped Emma to plate the food she had brought.</p><p>“Do you even like Chinese?”, Emma asked all of a sudden, seemingly horrified, “I'm so sorry. I should have asked. I just...I was starving. You know how it is. I could eat all day long and I was craving sweet and sour chicken and...”</p><p>Regina reached out to squeeze Emma's hand quickly, “It's fine. I love Chinese food. I haven't eaten any in forever, so it's a welcome change from my usual diet.”</p><p>“Are you sure?”, Emma didn't seem convinced and studied Regina closely.</p><p>“I'm sure, Miss Swan”, Regina stated, “I wouldn't lie to the police.”</p><p>Emma barked out a heartfelt laugh and realized how much lighter it made her feel.<br/>
She tried to remember when she had laughed the last time but couldn't even recall it.<br/>
It must have been months ago.<br/>
Before Neal...</p><p>She stepped forward and hugged Regina close without warning and to her big surprise, Regina welcomed the embrace until she stiffened all of a sudden, eyes wide.</p><p>“I'm sorry”, Emma ducked her head, “Pregnancy hormones. I...”</p><p>“No...I...”, Regina tried to form a coherent sentence, “I...the baby...I felt the...the baby move.”</p><p>“Is that...bad?”, Emma asked carefully while she studied Regina's face.<br/>
There was so much longing and so much horror, battling for dominance in warm, brown eyes and it made no sense to her.</p><p>“It's...”, Regina was about to say something but decided otherwise at the last moment, “You must think I'm crazy.”<br/>
She finally stepped out of their embrace and grabbed her plate, “Let's eat.”</p><p>Emma grabbed her own plate and followed Regina to the couch, “You're not crazy, Regina, You are hurting.”<br/>
She had seen right away that Regina was exhausted to the bone and if Emma had to guess she'd say Regina had trouble sleeping.<br/>
Just like she did.<br/>
-------------------------------</p><p>They had eaten in silence, allowing themselves and each other time to process, and Regina had taken Pan outside for a quick stroll while Emma had packed up the leftovers.</p><p>“Dorothy can pick me up anytime. She's got the nightshift. Just let me know when you want me out of your hair”, Emma blurted out once Regina and her dog returned.</p><p>Regina nodded, “Good to know. But I don't mind you staying for a while.”<br/>
And she found that she didn't.</p><p>“I'm glad”, Emma gave Regina a tentative smile as they sat back down on the couch, “I don't handle being alone in that house too well. It's a bit overwhelming. I don't know how you do it.”</p><p>The truth was that Regina didn't know either.<br/>
She had dreaded solitude all her life, especially since she had been surrounded by so much love but then it had been ripped away from her, all of it, and she had to learn to fend for herself with only her dog to keep her company.</p><p>There had been moments in the early days of her “exile” where she had talked to the shadows, to the mirror, to inanimate objects, and she had thought she would lose what had been left of her fragile mind but eventually, she had developed a daily routine she had stuck to and it had helped her find her footing.</p><p>Wake up at 7, no matter the season.<br/>
Go for a walk with Pan.<br/>
Breakfast.<br/>
Chores around the lighthouse.<br/>
A quick lunch.<br/>
Reading time.<br/>
Another walk with Pan.<br/>
Going to the cliff to watch the ocean for a bit.<br/>
Dinner.<br/>
Some more reading or maybe watching a movie on a rare occasion.<br/>
Quick stroll with Pan.<br/>
Bedtime.</p><p>It was the same day in and day out but it worked for her.<br/>
It had worked for her but now everything was a little bit off balance because of Emma Swan.<br/>
She didn't mind though, at least not anymore.<br/>
She simply had to adjust in case Emma decided to stick around for real.</p><p>“Have you chosen a name for your daughter yet”, Regin asked all of a sudden and wasn't even sure where the question had come from.</p><p>Emma shook her head, “No. No, I haven't. I wish Neal and I had discussed that but we haven't and I...I can't right now. I'll wait till she's born.”</p><p>“That's a good idea”, Regina admitted, “I remember how many discussions Daniel and I had before we settled on Lilith. How many nights we would lie awake, cuddled up together, talking about nothing but names. How we used to rile each other up with the most ridiculous ideas. My god. It was like a ping-pong match once. Almost gave me whiplash.”</p><p>Emma chuckled, “It was the same when I was pregnant with Henry. In the end, it was down Henry or Theodor.”</p><p>When Regina glared at her Emma raised her hands in surrender, “Don't look at me like that. It was Neal's idea. I won, obviously.”</p><p>“Thank God for small mercies”, Regina replied, an almost smirk on her face, “It was a bit of a spontaneous decision. Two names were left and when our daughter was born we knew she was a Lilith. Like Daniel's grandmother.”</p><p>If only we would have known that it would doom us all.<br/>
But Regina didn't say that.</p><p>“What would have been the other option?”, Emma wanted to know, curious as ever. It was the police officer in her, no doubt.</p><p>“Hope”, Regina admitted, her voice quiet, “The other name would have been Hope.”<br/>
-----------------------------------</p><p>Emma had known that there wouldn't be any heavier talk that evening.<br/>
She had already known when she had arrived when she had seen how much more haunted Regina looked than usual.<br/>
And she had thought that impossible.</p><p>Whatever had happened in Regina's life had her in a vice-like grip that didn't allow her to breathe to this day.<br/>
Grieving and moving on were complicated things, Emma was aware of that.<br/>
It was always a complex process that came with many setbacks, even on a good day.<br/>
Emma knew that too,</p><p>But while Emma slowly came to a point of acceptance when it came to the loss of her husband Regina was stuck in a purgatory-like state where her mind kept being tortured by demons unknown to Emma.<br/>
They both had a long road of recovery ahead of them but Regina wasn't even at the starting line yet.<br/>
After three years.</p><p>She watched Regina's eyes fall closed repeatedly and patted the space between her, “Come on...rest a bit. I'll stay till you wake up.”</p><p>“I don't need you to stay”, Regina growled.<br/>
Never in her life would she admit that sleeping was what scared her the most but when she looked at Emma she suspected that the woman sitting next to her knew anyway.</p><p>Emma gave her a kind and understanding smile, “I know that you don't need me to. But I'd like to stay because I'm calmer here with you.”</p><p>Regina was rendered speechless for a moment because she hadn't expected such blatant honesty.<br/>
Emma kept surprising her in all the ways that mattered.</p><p>“I'm worried about the baby because I can't seem to find rest. I can't sleep. I'm surprised it hasn't caused more issues yet”, Emma confessed with a frown and it finally dawned on Regina that Emma kept coming back because for some reason she felt safer here.<br/>
At the lighthouse.<br/>
With Regina.<br/>
Oh, the irony.</p><p>She lied down anyway, hesitant at first, head in Emma's lap, who started to run her fingers through dark hair immediately.<br/>
It felt nice.</p><p>“You aren't working anymore, are you?”, Regina asked sternly and Emma gave her a bit of a mischievous grin, “Only desk duty, I swear.”<br/>
-------------------------------------------------</p><p>Regina woke up the next morning with her head resting on Emma's shoulder.<br/>
For a moment she was disorientated and confused until she remembered what had happened and her eyes went wide.</p><p>She had woken up from nightmares two or three times but she had been so warm and comfortable for a change that she had drifted back off to sleep right away.</p><p>Emma.<br/>
It had been because of Emma.<br/>
Of course.<br/>
They must have changed sleeping positions somewhen during the night as they were lying entangled on the couch now.</p><p>Regina felt movement under her hand and realized that it was resting on Emma's stomach.<br/>
The baby.</p><p>Emma was still out like a light, not that Regina could blame her.<br/>
A pregnancy was exhausting on its own and Emma had to deal with so much more than that with her grief and her newfound role as a single mother.<br/>
Not to mention the move and getting settled in a new town.</p><p>And yet Emma had kept checking on her despite her standoffish persona and Regina had to admit that she hoped that Emma would keep coming around.<br/>
The only question was how that would work when Regina didn't want Henry around and once the baby would be born, well, she wouldn't want the baby around either, now would she?</p><p>Regina felt the baby kick again and she pressed her hand against Emma's shirt a bit more firmly.<br/>
Another kick.</p><p>One moment of indulgence, just once.<br/>
She deserved that, didn't she?</p><p>But deep down Regina already knew that this one moment of bliss would awaken everything that she had buried in the very last corner of her heart and mind.<br/>
Buried with all the force she had been able to muster and yet she hadn't buried it deep enough.</p>
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